CS5 Revealed!

Yes, that’s right my friends, CS five! Anybody can show you CS4, but only here at Publicious will you get the scoop on CS5. We have obtained super secret plans from our moles within the Adobe empire, revealing a radical new direction for the Creative Suite.

Codenamed XMullet, the Creative Suite is being reworked from the ground up, with a decidedly retro-shock flavor. In addition, it’s clear that Adobe is following in Apple’s footsteps, and providing an end-to-end software-and-hardware package. None of CS5 will run on Mac or Windows. Adobe software will run only on Adobe machines. What a gamble! These exclusive photos show just how far out of the box Adobe is thinking. Will the publishing world be ready?

Heavy metal typesetting: adjusting leading with actual lead! It’s so obvious; why didn’t I think of that?

Here’s one of their radical new input devices. Throw away your mice, trackballs, and Wacoms. You’ll be able to hold type in your hands.

A glimpse at the 3 enormous InDesign Server configurations powering the CS5 revolution.

Actually, I think that thing on the middle right might be a fridge.

Photoshop CS5 will bring a true 3-dimensional workflow. Images are spun around inside a clear drum. Hey buddy, put on some safety goggles!

Behold, Dreamweaver CS5’s mind-blowing Code View.

On top of it all, CS5 is totally “green.” This Illustrator CS5 workstation runs on diesel, but can easily be converted to run on vegetable oil.

Well, there you have it. What do you think? I for one, welcome our new Totally Awesome publishing overlords.

42 Responses

  1. Michael, while I’m not surprised that you would leak this CS5 information — after all, we all know you have trouble with impulse control when it comes to your ability to predict the future — I’m shocked that you would release it with errors. For example, CS5 will use cadmium type rather than lead; and AIcs5 will require a carefully combined mixture of diesel and enriched uranium.

  2. I gotta get better moles.

  3. Hello, I’m a new follower of this blog! I found it on InDesignSecrets.com and after a couple reads I’m hooked. And this information about CS5 is just mind blowing. Its so futuristic! Like the year 2000!!

    Thanks for a great blog!

  4. Welcome aboard, Lauren! Things get a little weirder here than at IDSecrets, but hopefully no less informative.

    As for the CS5 stuff, I wrote it because I woke up that morning with a Bob Marley lyric stuck in my head, “In this bright future, you can’t forget your past.” Tho’ if I were the dude in the picture, I might Photoshop out the moussed bangs. ; )

  5. Hey uncle Mike,
    It’s your nephew zach. This is very interesting. I can’t wait to buy this.(note the invisible sarcasm). Just two questions. When will this be realeased and how much will it cost?

  6. Yikes Mike! I used to operate one of those “Laser Drum Scanners”, well we had one in our office. Never let us down really. The thing is, I’m not even 30 yet. And the weirder thing is it was about 8 years ago.

    It’s great about CS5! It also seems like it’s going to be completely wireless and also wireless power (which is something the future has always needed).

  7. I’m a animation and game maker so I ask this politely:
    Does any one know where to download the cs5 master collection without any software?

  8. Mike-
    I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking for. I don’t think CS5 exists in any meaningful, usable form yet, and won’t for a long time. The pre-release programs haven’t even started up, as far as I know. If you want to participate in the prerelease program, you could try contacting Adobe.

  9. Hi Mike,
    I’m very new to all this Adobe stuff learning it in school and I’m hooked, however I’m easily confused on this information. Is this real or is it… (no not memorex but adobe)? I sure hope you are truly jisting in regards to pics but the info is it really going to happen and if so what changes are they expecting to do and when do they expect it to come about?

  10. Robin-
    Yes, this was just for fun. The scans are from a book on graphic design from 1989 which I saved from oblivion at my local recycling center. CS5 isn’t in pre-release yet (as far as I know). But when there is real info that I can share, I’ll post it here so stay tuned. Thanks for reading.

  11. just wondering if it comes with a large sized toilet teflon coated … for high speed downloads of course? and do you have to take anything with that to make the updates regular … hmmm ‘up dates’ that kinda has a concerning ring to it (excuse the pun) dont ya think?

  12. whoa, Adobe SteamPunk CS.

  13. Actually, according to my sources, your vision of CS-5 is closer to the real thing than you think. It will, however, be called CS-2012 and it will be the very last product release for the next three years, after which time we will all disappear in a big Adobe Flash.

  14. I must say i’m quite impressed by the machinery, i do think that the drum scanner is still used for high quality scans, still, the flatbed scanner is a lot smaller and more convenient.
    About all this hardware: I hope someone comes up with a good anti-virus, cause a lot of hackers are gonna jump on this stuff.
    If this is gonna be the next CS5, well, start looking for the serial code on the back of one of these machines.

  15. […] Posts CS5 Revealed!Is This What a Kindle Killer Looks Like?Lunchtime Links: The Bailout Bonus EditionTry to Tri-fold […]

  16. Hahaha, love the joke.

  17. Does this mean I need to get rid of Vista? That’s such a shame, it’s so reliable and easy to use.

  18. Hi

    I am new here too. Good joke!
    Just found the page because I looked up CS5. I have just started working at Adobe and of course I met one of theese “I no everything” type of guy at a birthday party.

    As soon as I told him that I was working at Adobe he of course started to tell me how stuff works at Adobe. He talked about some majore changes in there new program. I was like “yeah sure, you know all about a program thats not on the market yet”. But here is the funny thing. He told me all this what you have written here, about the hugh machines and all that stuff – and he believes it! He was deadly serious, he thinks this is for real. Thats why I had to look it up, i didn’t beleave him but I was curious to if there where something about cs5.

    Thanks for saving my sunday, I had a really good laugh

  19. Hi Inge-

    Thanks for the comment. That’s a great story. I wonder how many other people think that too.

    I’m sure the real CS5 will have lots of surprises for us, but refrigerator-sized processors won’t be one of them. 😉

  20. […] Publicious.net: CS5 Revealed! Posted in General « Safari 4 […]

  21. Thats it. Im not drinking any more

  22. Hi, I am pretty sure Adobe has officially canceled a majority of the initial CS5 Hardware, and is leaning towards a new existing platform.

    here in this photo we see the new hire at Adobe, testing what seems to be the possible platform on which CS5 will be built on

  23. Greetings from Norway!
    This was funny reading! I “laughed out loud” several times. I think I will have a closer look at this blog.

  24. Thanks! And welcome aboard 🙂

  25. I’m curious to find if Adobe CS5 will also include an animated gif maker. I want to pop in “under construction” and it automatically pop out the goodness.

    If they don’t implement this awesomeness, I’m sticking to sheets of treated animal skin and my own blood.

  26. Jarod- I will forward your request for awesomeness on to the Adobe engineers, immediately.

  27. I appreciate the prompt reply and the diligent patronage . The force is strong.

  28. Hi, This is great- I just happened to look up to see if there is a cs5 because i am getting ready get cs4 extended. Is cs4 extended good or should I stick with my cs3?

  29. Haha. Ok, as soon as I saw this link at the top of the google page and noticed the description saying “CS5 is totally “green.” This Illustrator CS5 workstation runs on diesel..” I was like, WTF?! Got me really curious so I read the whole article…Really made my day and saved me from falling asleep from work 🙂

  30. Awesome! I was glued to this article once I started to read! You really scared me when you quoted “None of CS5 will run on Mac or Windows”. I was like what the hell! Thanks for the post was interesting to read! You have gained a follower.

  31. Sahus-

    Thanks and welcome!

  32. Your an idiot. How is this even funny?

  33. “Your” welcome, Samuel. And thank you for giving me the perfect motto for the blog.

    Publicious: How is this even funny?

  34. I did a Google search on Illustrator CS5 and your blog came up at the top of the list. Hilarious! I needed the laugh. And a twistedly funny reminder of the heritage of the graphic design and publishing process.

    A mole nicknamed Morocco at Adobe who is also an undercover TMZ reporter claims that a third-party CS5 plug in will soon be released for geeks like me who like messing around with hand coding for reliable text output. And best yet, it requires no electricity or external power source whatsoever. Toner is stored on convenient compact inked ribbon spools, which can be recycled and exchanged once it’s used up. Adobe haters in the blogosphere claim that it’s just really an old-school typewriter, but a plug-in that instantaneously outputs the text on paper as soon as you enter it on the keyboard certainly can’t be something that’s OLD, right? 😉

    Thanks for the laugh, and keep up the good work.

  35. Thanks Rich.

    I am very intrigued by the news of the TypeWriter plug-in! Sounds incredible! I’ll have to contact this Morocco Mole fellow for more details 😉

  36. […] Read a  great spoofy article on adobe cs5! […]

  37. Yeah right. Throwback to the 1960s?

  38. Brings back memories. It’s is amazing we’ve come this far in 50 or so years.

  39. If interested I have old/early hand composition itms–
    composing sticks, 2 fonts (14 Belair (Park Avenue);
    12 pt. Stymie Med. both unopemed; old coin keys; linotype space bands; box Spring tongue Gauge Pins–for platten press; assortmentbrass rules; California Job case; wooden line gauge;
    Don,t seem to “run” on TypeWriter plug-in!
    Items of value to anyone???

  40. cool cool cool thanks to adobe family

  41. Mike, someday I will have to show you the HMCo. annual report cover with a photo of me (and others) that look strangely similar to some of those color photos, right down to the hair!

  42. I’d love to see it!

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